"All music comes from God."

第日等我開間整車公司, 實發達. -_-“

Today I had this self-reflection:

Sometimes I feel that going through life each day is like an obstacle course… where we try to avoid traps of thinking negatively of others, of being critical of others for their mistakes which we actually make all the time ourselves, of being impatient and unloving, of being self-centered and inconsiderate and not thinking in others’ shoes, etc. etc… If I go through a day mindlessly instead of consciously battling, then I just wind up realizing (or most of the time not realizing) that at the end of the day, I have done just all of that, and fell into all those traps… what a battle it is to go through every day…

There was this one scene in the movie The Karate Kid that struck me the most when I was watching it… and I just thought of it today…

The little Black kid moved to China from the U.S. with his mom. After a while of not being able to adjust to life in China, one day the kid just suddenly got really upset, and down. He was so down that he didn’t even want to say a word. His mom was confused and tried to figure out what went wrong during that day that made him upset. They were eating out, tasting local Chinese food, having fun in the market, passed by Kung Fu school where her son was fascinated by the Kung Fu training… It seemed to be a fun day exploring their new life, so she couldn’t figure out which incident in the day made her son become so down. As they were walking home at the end of the day, her son didn’t say a single word and just had this overwhelmingly sad expression on his face. He looked defeated. Finally, mom asked, impatiently, “What happened?” The kid finally bursted into tears and said, “We moved to China! That’s what happened!”

I remember when I was watching that scene, I thought of Wisconsin. When I was in Wisconsin, I felt pretty depressed sometimes. Mom would call me, and I would have this sadness all over my voice. And then she would ask me, “What happened? What’s wrong? Was it something happened at work? Was it church? Was it the fellowship? Are you sick? Not feeling well?” She seemed to want to figure out which single incident made me upset. I never knew how to answer these questions of hers. Because what happened was not any of that. What happened was – I moved to Wisconsin! That’s what happened!

Since that was what went wrong, I quickly fixed the problem by moving back to Boston. And then I decided to find a new goal in life and applied to grad school. I genuinely didn’t think I would get in and was preparing for the worst, but for better or worse, I actually got in, and moved back to Texas. In the months before my actual move to Texas, my mom was made so upset by my dad that I was convinced she really needed to move away from him. I was convinced she will be much happier living with me. I thought starting a new life in Houston will be an exciting new start for both of us, one that we both needed. That way, I could be with her, and she could be with me.

It turns out I was wrong. I have made her more upset than my dad has made her. Seeing her upset just makes me think that moving to Houston is just a big mistake. Before coming here I had a wonderful relationship with my mom. I missed her a lot when I was in Boston, and I was able to express my love for her. But now I just make both of us miserable. I am having a hard time adjusting to Houston, and she is upset because I am having a hard time. In this time of transition, I have become so unloving to her and so inconsiderate that I feel like a horrible person and a complete failure.

Sometimes I just feel defeated. ='(

Why ain’t I happy? I love what I am learning in school, and the church here is not bad at all. The apartment is comfortable, and I am living with family. Friends from Boston and sister call and text all the time. I should not feel lonely. But at the end of the day, I still do. 😦 I just haven’t been able to move on yet. I thought I could, but I just can’t yet. I had tried to convince myself that this is not really that big of a transition. I am just coming back to Texas, where my home is. And I am not coming here to snatch a random job like I did in Wisconsin. It’s a long-term investment for a future career that I will hopefully enjoy and find fulfillment. It was with much planning that I had come here. And I knew it would take five years before I came here. I knew it. But how come suddenly five years seem like such a long, long, long time? How come it feels like it’s been forever already when in fact only 2 months have passed… Only 2 months, out of 60, have passed.

Why is life never like what I expected? How come everybody else seems to be managing well and doing fine. Except me.

It makes me think of this other movie that I’ve watched a long time ago that left a strong strong impression in me. The movie is called “I am Sam,” where a mentally retarded guy, Sam, tried to fight for custody of his little daughter. His lawyer is an incredibly successful professional who owns a huge luxurious house; who has a seemingly intact family with a husband and a 7-year-old son; who seems to have just the perfect life with a wonderful career and family. In the process of helping Sam, the lawyer learned a great deal from Sam, and one day she opened up and shared her insecurities with this mentally retarded guy:

“Let me tell you something about people like me. People like me feel lost, and little, and ugly, and dispensable. People like me have husbands, screwing other people far more perfect than me. People like me have sons who hate them. And I’ve screamed, I’ve screamed horrible things at him, at a 7-year-old because he doesn’t want to get in the car at the end of the day! And then he looks at me with such anger and I hate him then! ‘I know I’m failing you! I know I’m disappointing you! I know you deserve better but get in the fucking car!’ It’s like every morning I wake up and, I fail. And I look around and everybody seems to be pulling it off, but I can’t. No matter how hard I try. Somehow, I’ll never be enough.”

Sometimes I just feel defeated. Like I’ll never be enough no matter how hard I try. Everybody else seems to be pulling it off, except for me. Why can’t I… 😦